Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Snapshot 2

Chelsea Mayweather
English 109.01
7 October 2010

The Fall

The smell of the chlorine filled the air like waking up to the smell of bacon frying on a Saturday morning. “Chelsea, you better not be running in those shoes” is all I could hear coming from my mother. I was down at the pool on a hot summer day. Down in the south it was normal to go to the pool early in the morning that way you could get your swimming out the way and not worry about getting a heat stroke.

“Do you wanna come to my house once we leave the pool?” asked Paige “Yeah sure, let me go ask my mom and make sure its ok I am sure she won’t mind. “I said I walked over and asked my mom if I could go to Paiges house and she said “Yeah sure just call me when you are ready to come home” I quickly rushed and put on the black shiny shoes I had worn down to the pool. Paige started to run really fast and told me to catch up with her. So I took off and start running really fast the trees were passing by like cars on the highway going over the speed limit. I just keep running then “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” I woke up to lying on a soaking wet towel. I looked up and I saw everyone standing around me staring at me like a little girl that just saw a ghost.

I quickly tried to get up “AHHHHHHH” I screamed again and sobbing in pain. My mom quickly comes over and says “everything is going to be ok I promise” I had no idea what was going on I just know that people are standing all around me looking down. “ Mom is that the sirens” I repeatedly say. These people come rushing over to me quickly and ask a whole bunch of questions to my mom. I closed my eyes.

I woke up lying in a hospital bed, with this gel like tubes coming from my arm. “Finally, you woke up,” said this little old lady with food on a tray. I look to my left and my family is sitting there along with Paige thanking God I am ok. I quickly learned that I had fallen running in my shoes my mom told me to. My foot got caught in a gutter and I fell and scraped up my whole body and hit my head on a brick wall. My mom comes over and says, “ I love you and glad you are ok, but I told you do not run in those shoes!”


  1. Good job Chelsea!!! I love this story, you can totally visualize this happening. I think your writing is at its best at the very beginning. You have a great opening sentance, and the rest of that first paragraph is very detailed. Sounds like something my mom would say too! GREAT JOB!

  2. Great job! I think the writing is the best when you are giving details about the fall. I had a similar experience except with a bike where I hit a curb and flew off going unconscious but didn't have to go to the hospital...

  3. Great story, Chelsea! I like that you use several metaphors throughout your story. I think the writing is at its best at the end of the story because you use a lot of detail in describing what happened, creating a picture for the reader.

  4. Wow! I love this story! Your metaphors were really good! It definitely kept my attention through the whole thing!


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